For as long as I can remember, I always believed that whenever you have a situation with which you need to deal, the answers can be found inside of you and not from others. In one of the lyrics that are contained in the “Let Life Happen” CD, the words are “the answers are inside the mind, they’re really not so hard to find”. I have since learned that the first part of that lyric is still correct but the second part is a totally different matter. Let me explain.
I currently weigh the exact same amount of pounds that I did when I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. I want to lose weight. I have tried just about every diet in the book and even when I successfully would lose some pounds, I always managed to gain back that weight. Believe me, I can empathize with Kirstie Alley. I have read about “set points” and metabolism and the need for exercise and counting calories and counting carbohydrates and fat and the not eating after 6 p.m. and the need to drink more water, etc. until I am blue in the face. And I tried all of the variations and still end up in the same place.
Then I went to my collection of books that all indicate that everything that is occurring within you physically is mentally manifested. That made sense to me so I decided to get to the bottom of this issue with this unwanted fat. Everywhere I looked, I found the same thing – that the fat is being retained as a means of protecting me. But from what am I seeking protection?
Over the years, I went back to all of the hard times and addressed each one of them, one at a time. I reviewed how I felt about each individual issue, discovered what I had learned, forgave anyone to whom I may have directed responsibility and released it. I truly believed that I had covered every possible issue, situation, wrong, whatever and I still hadn’t gained any ground. Then out of the clear blue sky, something really hit me two days ago.
Whenever I was discussing my weight with anyone, I always said that I had been thin until I was 7 years old when I had my tonsils removed. I have believed all of these years that the tonsils must have been the cause of my not having a big appetite as I remember my parents forcing me to eat when I had no desire to do so or didn’t like what we were having. And then I had to go to the hospital to have those tonsils removed.
I finally went back to that time and the only thing that I remember of that surgery was that I woke up in the middle of the night in a very dark room with my throat feeling like it was on fire. I knew that I had a button that I could push to call the nurse but I was so scared that I could barely move and never did find that button. The other thing that I remember is that I was told that I could have all of the ice cream that I wanted when I had those tonsils out.
Ah, ha! What did I learn from that experience! It was the ice cream that was the only thing that could soothe my pain and that I was alone and scared when I was in the dark hospital room and I would do anything to protect myself from going to that darkness again.
I have continued all of these years to protect myself by soothing myself with comfort food whenever I start to get stressed. After my three recent surgeries, I managed to find my way out of not staying over in the hospital for even one night, thanks to the kindness and understanding of my cosmetic surgeon. And two days ago, when I went to a fund raiser event for breast cancer research at the offices of that same cosmetic surgeon and was walking through the hallways past the various treatment rooms, I had the feeling that the experience was a bit scary. That was the trigger. There should have been nothing that was scary about it but that was my feeling. But my willingness to examine why I felt fear is what has finally allowed me to discover from inside what I was protecting and I am looking forward to bringing about a very successful change in my eating habits as a result. It will be interesting to see if I have finally found the answer to something that I have sought to change for virtually a lifetime.
This is my first time to read this blog. I’ve tried to read as many as I can to catch up. With Jenn’s recent response, I decided to read and check it out.
I think we all have certain eating habits for one reason or another. I’m not sure everybody knows why they eat the way they do. But it’s interesting to figure it all out isn’t it?
Over the past 7 years as I’ve worked through my family abuse history, I’ve worked on almost every aspect of my being. I have almost figured out why I do almost everything the way that I do. There are a few mysteries and I will continue to work on it all. I have always had an eating disorder. But only admitted it last year when I was in rehab. The eating disorder was only a coping skill for my abuse. And at the time, I am not anorexic looking or overweight enough to look like an eating disorder. In fact, two men in rehab said, “You don’t LOOK like you have an eating disorder.” Which of course triggered me not to eat dinner.
For me, my eating disorder is about the lack of having control growing up. My whole family seemed to have an obsession with food. They would eat and eat and eat. It was almost a race to see who could get that last scoop of mashed potatoes. I hated food when I was little and still do ~ with the exeption of certain foods at restaurants and CHOCOLATE!!! My mom also forced me to eat. It seemed like eating was very important to my family. And I didn’t understand what the fuss was. My mom would stand over me with a belt and threaten to spank me if I didn’t eat. I would just sit there crying with the threat becoming very real and LOUD!! If I didn’t eat she would spank me. If I did eat and throw up because it made me sick, she would spank me. It was a lose/lose for me. Tuna fish was my nightmare. And basically anything with mayonaisse will make me sick. I am still pretty picky. But I have a few more things that I will eat. My mom’s antics caused me to be anorexic and bulimic all of my life. I didn’t eat most of the time. And if I did I would get sick. At times I would even pass out from lack of nutrition. Restricting food was my only form of control. The comfort food came when I went to my grandmother’s who lived around the block. I remember bingeing on chocolate. My grandmother was an angel and she always had something sweet around. I was so happy at her house. So now when I need comfort food, it’s a chocolate binge for me. I feel so guilty though. I still purge a little bit. I’m working through it all. I’m also working with a nutritionist. Just being held accountable for what I eat has helped me a lot. But I do agree that finding out your eating triggers is so important.
Jenn ~ I can only imagine what it was like for you in that orphanage. Human touch, nurturing and love is so important in the first year of life. I can totally understand why you would go for the comfort food when you are feeling alone. And Barbara ~ it makes so much since why you would go for the ice cream. It’s great that the doctors have worked with you so you didn’t have to stay the night. The hospital can be a scary place at night. And lonely. Especially for a little girl who doesn’t really understand. Thanks for sharing! I will continue to explore things in my past to figure out why I do what I do.
Many blessings and I hope you continue feeling better!
Gee, there are so many things that you have written about here with which I can identify. I was forced to eat, too, and often it was food that made me sick as well. Your tuna fish was my sauerkraut. I was forced to eat it and then I would throw it up and I would get spanked and sat down with another dish of it. To this day, the mere smell of it will actually cause me to gag. Although my sister has admitted to me that she went through a period of bulemia, I never went that route. I did as I was told and I think that I tried to take control by having the chocolate and sweets whenever I could sneak them. Boy, there is so much here that I will need to address over and over again. Thank you so much for sharing. Some of my own answers may very well be contained in your response.
Wow, congratulations on this new understanding of your Self.
Isn’t it amazing how much information we retain and with deep digging we’ll find it? Good for you!
Your post resonates with me. The endless attempts of “dieting” which always left me feeling that wasn’t the way for me, it wasn’t an organic path for me to take to get to who I am. For it was never really about the weight but the cause of eating triggered by anxiety.
As an infant I spent nearly a year in hospital and/or foster care before being well enough to be adopted. At 13 months, I went home with my adoptives and the rest is, well, the rest. As an adult, I often wonder how sitting around for that time, in the hospital nursery (or wherever I was; I imagine it to be fairly lonely, yet full of sound, with little physical stimulation except regular feedings) figures into the way I eat when I’m upset or afraid of being alone. With not too much thinking, I believe in my gut that early unsettled, family-less time had significant impact. That awareness is a good place for me to start examining and asking the type of questions you asked yourself.
Thank you for sharing your discovery, and continued success to you.
Thank you for sharing with me. As a result of your response, you have reminded me of other unexplored areas of my life that I need to examine and there is no time better than right now. Thank you for the inspiration!